It's been exactly a month since my little life as I knew it imploded. It wasn't a perfect life - looking back I can see ways that I've been keeping myself small, holding myself back with fear, and accepting a life that felt much more "yeah this is ok I can do this" than "holy shit I love my life this is amazing". But I was still blindsided.
If quizzed, I would've said that my marriage was better than it had ever been, I didn't love my job but felt grateful to have one during COVID, and that I would go back to the gym despite really enjoying working out at home. Cut to a month later - I've quit that job, quit the gym, am creating my own exercise programming for the first time in years, and am confronting issues in both personal and relationship therapy that I never wanted to examine too closely.
Even looking at that list, I realize that I'm focusing on what I've lost, what I've cut. In these 30 days I've also leaned on friends and close family more than I ever expected and have been humbled and endlessly grateful for the love and support I've received. I haven't fallen into a hole of vilifying my body and cutting calories to control the one thing I know I always can when I've lost control in other areas. I've put the fear aside - started this journal to see where it takes me and reached out to a dear friend and my former nutrition coach to join her team. I've thought about starting a blog and becoming a nutrition coach for years but the threat of failure and humiliation have been paralyzing.
I'm not yet in a place to view the infidelity as a gift, far from it. But the question "what's the worst that can happen?" has taken on a wildly different meaning in the past month so hitting publish on this site and pressing send on an email putting myself out there are MUCH less terrifying.
So today I will celebrate the facts that I did not fall apart and that I am moving forward. Elly 2.0 - a little battered and bruised, and, I admit, still scared - but resilient and ready to face what's next.