Letting go of this obsession I've built with her.
For context here, I signed up for a free newsletter through our marriage counseling group, Mindful Marriage and Family Therapy. The first newsletter was a set of journaling prompts and I've done the same set of prompts almost every single day since late August. They are simple but I love them and highly recommend. I'm not a meditator (I've tried, I'm terrible, I know one cannot be good at first but I truly hate it) and journaling gives me a sense of meditating while still letting me use my brain and a little kinetic energy through writing (v kinetic over here).
One of the final prompts is, one thing I want to change that will positively impact my relationship is--. And the answer above came to me incredibly clearly. This morning, I'd gotten up early after at least an hour of lying in bed silently plotting my very public takedown of this woman with whom my husband had his virtual affair. In my little fantasy, I'd somehow been discovered and invited onto the Girls Gotta Eat podcast to tell my story to their hundreds of thousands of fans while Rayna and Ashley laughed along with me and agreed that women who target married men are THE WORST. This was not a dream. I was 100% awake and hoping this will magically happen. WHY? My husband is with me. We are both actively putting so much work into therapy, communicating better every day, hitting bumps along the road and dealing with them as they come. The other day I had a complete meltdown about the affair, with no apparent trigger, in the middle of the day. My husband responded with zero defensiveness, just empathy and concern. This woman is completely out of our lives, blocked on all social media and through our phones. So why am I losing sleep over her?
Because I was traumatized. Because I felt not chosen. Because this infidelity cut into the very heart of my lifelong struggle to feel good enough. It's scary to put this into words because I like having this security blanket of hating her, of blaming her. But enough is enough. Will I ever wish her well? No. Do I have to think about her every day? Also no. Please hold me accountable. Tell me to change the channel if it gets stuck on Rumination Station. I will mess up and I will try again. Eventually, I'll get it. I'll read a chapter of a great book, take Rex for a walk, crush a tough workout, and move on with my life. Have a great one, friends.