The comparison game is always a [trap]door to feelings of low self-esteem and a scarcity mindset. Even when the person to whom you're comparing yourself is just an earlier version of yourself. In some moments, I'm so proud of myself and the progress I've made this year when it comes to identifying my self-worth, letting go of perfectionism, and figuring out what I need in order to be content in life. In others, I put rose-colored glasses on, ignore the hard stuff about past me, and yearn to once again be the girl who was incredibly rigid and disciplined.
The root of so many evils, I find my phone to be the center of this unhealthy remembering and distortion of the past. I'll be looking for an old photo (let's be honest here, usually of Rex) and will find a picture where I look so skinny. I'm so far removed from the day to day life of being that person - weighing every gram of food, never drinking alcohol, never grabbing a bite to eat out with friends that wasn't planned days in advance, always feeling cold, isolating myself from friends and my husband - that I just look at photos and think, "Gah! I had so much self-discipline! Where is that now? Can I ever get it back?". And so begins the mental tug-of-war between what I know to be a healthier, more sustainable life and an idealized life that I have never truly had.
Because deep down I know the truth. That girl wasn't happy. Aside from the negative side effects listed above, she lived in constant fear of losing that level of perceived perfection. I say perceived because no one else thought it was attractive. The ugly, even deeper down truth is that I really thought it was. I have to fight the urge every single day to start another cut / diet, to put some sort of restrictive measure into place, to run an extra five miles just as an insurance policy. But I fight all of those urges and I manage the thoughts. I move forward and progress in a way that isn't clean or linear in any way.
Bodies are meant to change. One more time - bodies are meant to change. You can do the same workout and eat exactly the same way for years, and inevitably, your body will still change. It's meant to. I don't water my plants and place them in sunlight expecting them to stay stagnant. In some seasons of life, I'll be smaller. In some seasons of life, I'll be a bit bigger. Sometimes I'll run faster and sometimes I'll lift heavier weights. Some weeks I'll take more rest days and others I'll train incredibly hard. Obviously I never just want to say "f*ck it" and let myself go completely. I don't *think* I have that in me? But for now I'm giving myself grace, reminding myself that 2020 has been [insert appropriate insult to 2020 here], and that right now my little body needs to be thanked for just getting through the day.