After about a year hiatus, I'm back today to start working with my beloved coach Hanna from Macros & Muscles Nutrition. I'm equal parts nervous and excited. I strongly believe in all forms of therapy and coaching. I also believe in taking some space from structured work and accountability from time to time, to try out using tools on your own or to just take a break. And once that's not working anymore, back to coaching it is. I don't see returning to coaching as a failure, rather as the start of a new journey. The last time I started coaching with Macros & Muscles it was 2017 and I was living in Virginia. My life is different now, my body is different, my goals are different. 

I'm also a coach now! And I also strongly believe that coaches need coaches, just like I'd be skeptical of a therapist who had never gone through their own personal therapy. It's so easy to view someone else's journey and struggle through a lens of empathy but I need an outside observer in order to implement the same sort of changes in my own life. I trust Hanna wholeheartedly and feel that working with her again is the perfect next step for me in this recovery process and an attempt to end this terrible year on a high note while starting 2021 strong. 

As I've written about a bit before, I love counting macros. On top of that, I love the holistic approach that M2N uses as well as the accountability of a spreadsheet and concrete data. I know that macro counting and calorie tracking is generally a no-no for those in recovery from an eating disorder. My own therapist, who I adore and respect, is skeptical of the idea that I (or anyone with a former eating disorder) can manipulate my nutrition, aesthetics, and performance in a way that stays healthy rather than restrictive. I don't like being told that something is impossible. Eating disorders are also frustrating in a very specific way. Addicts of almost anything else - alcohol, drugs, gambling - can commit to abstinence and never dabble in their problem-causing substance or behavior again. I'm not saying that's easy but it's very clear cut. We all have to eat! Every day! Multiple times a day! I don't like being told that because of my past / brain chemistry I have to accept just eating without any sort of data collection or desire for more visible abs. So this is my next experiment. 

I'm writing it here for accountability, in addition to promising both Hanna and myself that I will be honest if I feel I'm starting to slip back down that slope and giving Pat full veto power over this endeavor. I'm also feeling more confident that I am stable and solid in what I want, what my goals are, rather than what I think I should want or what other people's goals are for me. I'll share what I learn, what I mess up, and the small wins along the way.