Alone again

My husband left for extended work travel again, this time for the remainder of 2020. This is the fifth time this year and the third since I discovered the infidelity. You'd think I'd be used to it. But each time brings up different feelings - both old and new. I'm sure this time is impacted by how dark and cold it's gotten. Going for a long walk isn't as soothing when your fingers are turning numb. I have Rex and my new job to keep me busy and I know I will be ok. As an introvert, I love my solitary time to read, watch whatever I want on TV, and keep everything exactly in its organized place. I also have local friends who will brave the cold for outdoor hangouts and lots of support just a phone or FaceTime call away. At the same time, there is a persistent fear of being out of sight and therefore out of mind, as I was in March. I try to live in the present and for the future, but the past creeps in. Especially when this pattern of extended travel repeats itself. 

Looking for the silver lining, I think it's fitting that I end 2020 by myself. This has been a year of more personal growth than I expected or requested. A reflective December may be just the thing to set me up for a 2021 free of as much bitterness, anger, and resentment as possible. I'll ask for connection and support when I need it and probably force Rex to watch a lot of rom-coms and stand-up specials with me. I'll read a ton, work out, eat nourishing foods, and lean into soaking up all of the learning at my new job like a little sponge. With only a few weeks left in this garbage-fire of a year, I'm setting an intention for more growth before it ends. Thanks for being here.


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