New year, same me?

Happy new year! I sincerely hope that your 2020 ended on a high note and that you're starting 2021 with a positive mindset. As I've gotten older, the concept of a new year has seemed more and more arbitrary and I think it's safe to say that the world feels just as uncertain today as it did on Thursday. 

I've been lucky to have the week off of work so I've been doing lots of sleeping, reading, and I got a chance to visit my husband as he's been away for work for almost a month. Perhaps due in part to the gratitude I believe I should feel about this chance to relax and reset at the end of the year, I feel guilty for having a pervasive feeling of sadness as 2021 begins. I believe that there is therapy in sharing stories that are in the forms of scars - but that it's less wise to share stories that are still open wounds. My sadness right now feels more like a fresh cut so I've taken a bit of a step back this week from the constant sharing that has felt so healing for the past few months. I know I will be ok - and there's just a lot of fear about this year. Grief and PTSD stemming from infidelity is not fun and the road is far from straight. There are so many turns - in one moment I feel like I'm so much better and then the next I feel like I'm starting back at step one. 

To avoid sounding like, and subsequently feeling like, an Eeyore, I wanted to share a list of a few good things that are keeping my spirits bright right now. Again, I hope that your new year is off the a great start. Cheers to only better things in 2021! 

  • 2020 recaps that remind me that we started this year watching Love is Blind - the foreshadowing of watching people date in pods is uncanny.
  • Also on the 2020 recaps, the memory of Normal People and the phenomenon of Connell's chain
  • Re-watching the entire series of Veep - there is something so anxiety-quelling about watching a series you've seen before. I also believe it's one of the best written comedies of the past decade. Julia Louis Dreyfus is a national treasure. 
  • A long New Year's Eve FaceTime with cherished friends
  • Fresca
  • Sneaky-hard workouts that have made me unexpectedly sore the next day
  • Eating more sweets than usual this past week and knowing that those indulgences don't mean I'm throwing away my health for this year
  • Rex's pure love for his Christmas toys
  • 10-hour stretches of sleep. A true joy in life. 
  • The flickering little idea that this could be the year when I feel like my mental health, career, and relationship all take a turn for the better. Obviously there will be ups and downs - does "your year" even exist? But if there's a chance that I can manifest it, I do have the tiny, deep down feeling that this year will be better - I just don't know exactly how yet. 💙