Almost 31

How's your week been? 

Admittedly, it's been a rough one for me on the underlying anxiety front. 

You know when your day or week isn't bad exactly but your quiet moments have a steady hum of anxiety/worry/rumination under them? 

This week marks one year since my husband moved his flirtation from Instagram into an all-out virtual affair over text. It was deliberate; it was duplicitous; I had no clue it was happening. That shattered reality has provided the backdrop for all of my rumination this week. When he's tired from work, are we not connecting again? When he's texting friends, is that really who he's texting? When I'm packing for our weekend upstate to celebrate my birthday, is he thinking about how last year while he was planning my birthday party he was also texting fire emojis to some "cardboard cutout" (to use a cherished friend's description)? 

Therapy helps. Healthy distractions like books and walks help. Time is helping a little bit I think. As I close in on 31 in a few days, I'm all at once really proud of myself and disappointed that this is how my life looks right now. I went into 30 thinking that THIS IS THE DECADE that everyone raves about. So far, I've spent "my 30's" in job limbo (though that has worked out), quarantine (and we're all fatigued with that), relationship shambles and subsequent rebuilding, and listening to a lot of folklore and evermore (for she is a benevolent queen who bestowed two 2020 gifts upon us). 

I hope 31 is better. I can't say that I know that it will be - who knows what even next month will look like?! I do know that I'm going into 31 with a stronger support system and a more robust toolbox/mental health shelf with which to tackle all that this year throws at me. 

Here's to a better year ahead. 

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