I'm taking another Instagram break. And working through my weird, convoluted feelings around getting vaccinated. Vaccine selfies - good for you, not for me.
In therapy, I've been working on sitting with my reactionary feelings and emotions to figure out what is really going on when I feel irrationally angry, sad, or annoyed. So many aspects of social media are just not for me but they normally don't drive me to anger. So why am I so angry? As with most anger, I believe it's fear based. I've felt very safe for the past few months. I am privileged in that I work from home and have created a home gym. We have friends who got vaccinated early and get tested regularly as they work in law enforcement. These friends also make me feel safe because they are not connected (in my mind) to the infidelity. The idea of everything opening back up and everything "going back to normal" just hammers home the idea that nothing will ever be "normal" for me again.
At the time of the initial shut-down, I went to the gym 6 days a week and almost all of my social life revolved around that community. And for all of its horror, Covid provided a bubble of safety when my life fell apart. No one questioned invitations turned down or weekends spent completely alone. When the gym opened back up, it was easy to say that I wanted to keep working out at home because I didn't want to wear a mask, sign up for time slots, pay more for less access, etc. But when everything is "back to normal"? Then it's just my problem. I'm not going back because I still feel too much pain, I feel betrayed by an entire community (I know this is not logical, it's emotional), and I just can't do it. I won't go to big group events because I'm not sure I can handle it, not because I'm afraid of contracting a virus.
I'm just still so angry. There is a sense of injustice that I cannot shake. I know I sound ridiculous -- I have a much better job than I did at the start of 2020, I didn't lose a loved one, I've traveled and seen my family. But I have so much anger and I have "shelved" it so that I'm not only directing it at my husband. But it makes all of my other shelves so heavy. So I'm sitting with all of the feelings.
I hope you have an excellent weekend and try not to judge your thoughts and feelings, even if they aren't the same as everyone else's. 💉