Pineapple upside down cake

 I have to fight against my natural tendency of an all-or-nothing mindset. It serves me well in some areas: training for something big like a marathon or Wodapalooza, committing to counting macros when I first wanted to change my body, diving into a new job or skill. But it's held me back during times when a little more moderation and balance would serve me well. Going back to those same examples, I became an accomplished marathoner in college but I lost a lot of friends when I started waking up at 4:45am daily to train. I went too far in my first iteration of macro counting, dropped below 12% body fat, and caused damage to my marriage with my rigid ways. So I'm following up on my accountability pledge that I've created here to ensure that Elly 2.0 adopts a more tempered approach. 

My husband returned from a month away on Friday and we had a wonderful weekend together. I didn't count macros and we enjoyed lasagna, margaritas, and a Sunday Funday with dear friends including lots of pumpkin cider and Bagel Bites. My internal plan was to get back on my numbers yesterday without the mental anguish that I used to attach to post-fun-weekend Mondays. All was smooth sailing until my husband lamented the lack of dessert options in our house yesterday. I made an off-hand comment that we had cereal and chocolate chips and would be fine. He suggested we go to the store and make brownies or cake. My internal dialogue was as follows: "Oh no. I didn't plan for that. I'm back on my numbers!", "Ok ok we can make whatever he wants and I just won't have any", to finally "He'll be sad and feel like we're disconnected if I don't have any" and the all important "I love dessert too and want to enjoy it with him". 

We walked to the store and I ended up suggesting we get a box cake mix of his favorite cake ever, pineapple upside down cake. Despite knowing for six years that it's his favorite, I have never made this cake for him. It's unfamiliar to me and I haven't wanted to fail - the bar is high when it's your favorite!! He was thrilled and we ended up having the best time making it together. I had a piece, he merrily had two, and I am a-ok. I know I hit my target protein numbers yesterday, I had a killer workout today, and I feel super connected to my husband over a $4.99 cake mix from Duncan Hines. I'm feeling extra reinforced in my choices as we learned today that he's leaving tomorrow morning on another trip for anywhere from two to five days. So if I'd stuck with my first all-or-nothing reaction, I wouldn't have enjoyed a piece of cake, he would've felt disconnected for me, AND he would've left feeling that way. Instead, I enjoyed one piece [which does not obliterate my goals] and we're heading into more time apart feeling solid. 

It's a constant struggle in my mind and I'm not sure that I'll ever have it 100% figured out. But I think that's relatable on so many different levels for everyone. Also, it turns out pineapple upside down cake is delicious.