Fighting fair

Another week, another cycle of me wishing I could finally be ok, figure it out, and live happily ever after. Another kick in the pants reminding me that living happily ever after doesn’t exist. Living in a world of nuance and celebrating the small wins while feeling bummed about the losses and perceived lack of progress is… exhausting, quite frankly. 

My husband and I had a disagreement about something completely unrelated to his infidelity today (it was something actually related to safety precautions during Covid, as we are still in a pandemic despite my rampant personal problems) and it was so hard to keep my emotions separate and rational. The moment he expressed a feeling that made me feel stupid and silly, I went right back to feeling stupid and silly in my unawareness of the affair. So a conversation that should’ve been quick and relatively painless (he was objectively right and I need to tighten my precautions back up as Covid numbers rise again), brought up so much pain and sadness for me. Those feelings are valid AND it's not fair to him if I start making every discussion somehow about the betrayal.

I went for a walk (exercise + being outside + Rex = good vibes) and am now able to separate the feelings. I can be sad about his decisions related to the affair and I can recognize when he’s right. I can also be bummed that it’s still a pandemic and I can’t do everything that I want to do. There’s space for all of it to coexist. 

This is the work. It’s messy and it will inevitably still get harder before it gets easier. But hopefully it will be worth it.