Pride & prejudice

What a weekend! I hope yours was wonderful. The weather in New York has been incredible and the chance to walk in the warm sunshine AND take in the November foliage has been a dream. Obviously Saturday was a very exciting day in New York City and the energy / relief / general happiness was palpable. I'm thrilled with the results and can't wait to see what changes come with a Biden presidency and our first woman veep! 

The day also brought up a lot of confronting feelings for me about my husband's job. The word that comes to mind over and over again is nuance. In one hand, I hold feelings of immense pride, admiration, and respect for both him and his dedication to an honorable career. In the other, I harbor resentment, disappointment, and anger with both him and the job - sometimes directed towards just the circumstances and sometimes at what I see as a perfect storm that creates situations with which many couples never have to grapple. I felt similarly on September 11th this year but that was so close to discovery that I think I just shut down a bit. As with so many things in 2020, I'm being forced to get comfortable living in a gray area of nuance where I feel many ways at the same time. 

I think one of the hardest feelings is wishing it was different, that it was clean. I wish I could only feel the pride, admiration, and respect. I wish it wasn't tainted. His job, this campaign, the travel - all of it bundles together to create a knot of discomfort in my stomach. And I wish it didn't. I went into this journey, years ago, saying that I was a cool wife who wouldn't hold the job against him. There was a day when two federal agents sat on a couch in my living room for four hours and walked both of us through the in's and out's of the next roughly eighteen years of our lives. They covered the multiple moves, the working holidays, the overtime, the quick changes that might cause vacations and other plans to be cancelled. They warned against having children in September and October due to the General Assembly of the United Nations. One quipped that his wife loves purses and he apologizes for every missed birthday, engagement, and important holiday by buying her a new purse. I chuckled at his jokes as I semi-screamed inside my head that I was of course way cooler than that. I don't want kids. I'm an introvert. I have my own friends, my own life. I'm not obsessed with Christmas. I'm not a normal wife; I'm a cool wife. 

I think I'm still a cool wife, but I'm different. I'm like one of those Japanese kintsugi bowls - I still hold water but you can see a visible difference (I only hope I look fixed with gold!). I can only control how I repair myself and react / respond moving forward. So I hold space for all of the feelings. I make jokes about how I feel like Emma Thompson in my very favorite movie, Love Actually, when she talks about being the sister to the prime minister, "What did my brother do today? He stood up and fought for his country. And what did I do? I made a papier-mache lobster head". On Saturday, I was in my apartment, with Rex, while my husband was at work, taking part in history. And I'm so proud of him for that. I'm choosing to focus on that feeling, while leaving space for the others. 

I hope that your week starts off with a good feeling - and that you also have all the space for the inevitable others that come your way.