The energy of leverage and not "evening the score"

"Living well is the best revenge". I truly believe this and I know that some people are highly suspicious of the fact that I have no desire to start an emotional affair of my own to "get back" at my husband. Do I know that it would feel good to have someone new tell me I'm attractive, ask how my day is going, be (or at least) act interested in everything I have to say? Obviously. I'm a human. Is it worth the time, effort, risk, and inevitable heartache it would cause both me and my husband? Absolutely not. 

I'm not a better person than Patrick is. I've crossed lines in the past and have made decisions in relationships of which I'm really not proud. So while I think part of this is rooted in the fact that I'm still deeply in love with and attracted to my husband, I think part of it is just where I am in life. I have a lot of deep friendships and I've nurtured my relationships with my mom and sister. I find passion and joy in little things about my day to life - writing here, walking Rex around beautiful Brooklyn brownstones, reading, and working out. Also, not to get too graphic, but there are simply ways to feel sexually satisfied without another person present. That is all ;) 

There is also a certain energy of leverage. It's not that I want to hold the affair over Patrick's head. But there is definitely a satisfaction in knowing that I have never hurt him the way that he has hurt me. You may judge this feeling but I've been deeply hurt and I stand by my feelings on leverage. Jana and Mike talked about this recently on their podcast, Whine Down, and while it's not the number one reason I won't cheat, it's on the list. I don't want to "even the score" so to speak. Investing my time and energy into myself and the people and things I truly love is worth way more to me than finding some sad man willing to have an inappropriate relationship with a married woman. That would make me no better than she-who-shall-not-be-named, and I will be damned if I let that happen. 

I think perhaps starting the blog and telling my story is my own way of revenge by way of living well. Knowing that my story has helped even just a few people is way more satisfying than a text from some random dude. 

So thanks for being here and helping me live well. 


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