Last week, I read a book that I didn't love. I kind of struggled through it, always contemplating DNF'ing it (did not finish) but I made it to the end. I was bummed because it was written by Sue Monk Kidd, who wrote The Secret Life of Bees, a book I loved as a teenager. And it had been called "a masterpiece" by Grace Atwood of The Stripe, from whom I get most of my book recommendations. It's called The Book of Longings and perhaps you would enjoy it if you're a religious person - it's the fictional story of Jesus's wife, if he'd had one. As a non-religious person, I thought I might enjoy it for the historical fiction aspects and learning something I know very little about (biblical times). I found it boring.
But there was a lesson and line that I loved - "all will be well". In the book, the phrase comes from the idea that, no matter what, there will be tragedy in life, inevitable up's and down's. Stability and resilience comes from our innate confidence and belief in ourselves. As long as we have that, all will be well. I think of it along the lines of my "steady as she goes" and "you will be ok" mantras. There will be super shitty days. But all will be well.
Lately, I've felt like I've moved beyond the stage of acceptance to one of exhaustion. I am tired. I am tired of therapy, of still thinking of her, of feeling weirdly cut off from my friends as I've voluntarily pulled away from the social group from my gym, of feeling like I'm constantly practicing communication via "I" statements. Of not hitting the roof when I have to apologize for something small and my brain starts screaming that the same words ("I'm sorry") that I have to use to address snapping at my husband about having to let the Spectrum technician in during my meeting are the same words he used to address cheating on me for almost half of a year. I think the cold, dark days of February, along with the ever-present, seemingly never-ending restrictions due to Covid are playing into this weariness. There is no way through this other than to just go through it. And it's exhausting.
Moments of goodness:
- The Wife Upstairs by Rachel Hawkins
- The Boys' Club by Erika Katz
- Doing triple dumbbell Fran in my apartment (it was four days ago and I'm still sore)
- Red wine paired with blue cheese
- Feeling more and more comfortable at work daily, and the gratitude that comes with working from home during a string of snowy, slushy days in NYC where the word "trudge" is the only way to describe going outside
Have a great rest of the week. All will be well.