I'm in a season of strength. Aside from working on my own resiliency and the strength of my relationship, I've been leaning into the idea of less restriction in order to promote growth. While it's so hard to let go of the fear of weight gain and the persistent body dysmorphia, the truth is my eating disorder is not working for me. It never really has. My weight doesn't fluctuate a ton but I feel generally dissatisfied with my body no matter what size it is. At my smallest, I'm governed by the fear of losing that thinness. At heavier weights, I can't even enjoy the food I'm eating because of the self-loathing and mental anguish. As always, it's something I manage.
In the immediate aftermath of the infidelity discovery, I didn't count macros or counted very loosely. In November, I started counting 4-5 days a week; almost always getting into the cycle of hating myself on day 1 of the week and saying "fuck it" by days 5-7. My beloved coach Hanna was a constant voice in my head that I looked the same as always and needed to work on the space between my ears more than the space between my thighs. But we'd grown too close and I no longer believed her. I've always valued the opinions of strangers more than the opinions of those close to me; I think it's from my eating disorder telling me that people that love me don't see the real me and are looking through rose-colored glasses of affection. I don't want the rose-colored view; I want the florescent lights of a TJ Maxx fitting room view. Hanna realized I wasn't hearing her anymore and [in the nicest way possible!] fired me as a client.
This little wake-up call made me re-examine the dysmorphia and I've started working with another M2N coach with more of an open mind. She doesn't know me as well so I trust her opinion more (it's not logical but it's the truth). And when I tried to convince her to put me in a deficit 2 weeks into our relationship, she proved to be smarter than my attempt at bamboozling her out of her expertise. "Woah, I don't see an ounce of fat to lose or a cut in your near future, dear. I do see some muscle and strength to gain. So we're going to keep you at maintenance and lifting heavier weights for a long time". My attempt to once-again be ruled by fear and to keep myself small was thwarted by a pro.
So I'm eating at maintenance and counting flexibly on the weekends. I'm routinely lifting 50 pound dumbbells over my hear and setting personal bests on everything from strict pull-up reps and max weight strict pull-ups to push presses and push-ups. Per my therapist's instructions, I'm journaling through negative feelings towards my body and routinely taking photos of my body so I don't freak out the next time I put on a bathing suit. I'm in a season of strength and excited to see where it takes me.
I hope your week has been a strong one so far. 💪