Gnats

I've said it so many times before but the ups and downs of this recovery process continue to shock me. I came off of last weekend feeling so good and am coming off of this weekend feeling exhausted. 

Nothing huge happened. A woman texted my husband, after midnight. They went to high school together and I've never met her or heard her name from him. She just said "hi" and he didn't reply and told me immediately. Logically, I see this as growth and we had a good discussion about how he felt getting this weird and unexpected attention versus how he would've felt a year ago. Emotionally, it brought up a lot of trauma and wrecked me. In full transparency, I texted her. I know, in hindsight, that I shouldn't have but I felt so powerless in the moment and letting her know that I knew she was texting a married man after midnight was a small power grab I could see. She texted back to apologize and explain and none of it matters. As my mom said, I need to stop worrying about these women. They are gnats. And there will always be some that swarm around his head. I can't control them. What is important is that he doesn't respond to them, doesn't react. Or that he shuts them down in such a way that makes me feel safe, in a way that allows me to release that stress and worry. So that I don't feel like I have to respond to them. 

I know this is true and can feel it now that I'm a few days removed from the situation. But in the moment I was enraged that yet another woman who KNOWS he is married felt like they should "shoot their shot". I'm tired of it. In the moment I feel much more Better than Revenge Taylor than "oh August is just a woman who wants to be loved too" Taylor. And there is grief there. I wish I had the type of relationship where I could laugh it off. Where I could see a late night text and think oh how sad and funny. But I can't because of where we've been. That grief of the space between the progress we've made and the relationship that I wish we always could've had is immense. 

So today I try to just chalk it up as a bump in the road, one that hopefully will lead to a greater sense of security moving forward. He didn't respond. He told me about it. He held space for me to feel the trauma response and work through the emotions. It's another day, another week, and hopefully a better weekend ahead. 

Have a great week, friends. 

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